it's almost 12 am right now...i should have go to sleep...but, i can't because i am disturbed by something in my mind. I suddenly feel ugly. yes i do...i never feel pretty tho' coz people keep telling me that i'm ugly. i don't have any confidence tonight, and it is getting decrease day by day.....i feel insecure with myself every single time. I don't know what is the meaning of beauty? is it only about having a pretty face and good shape of body isn't it? tapi apa hal-hal semacam itu masih berarti saat kita sudah memasuki usia senja? lalu apa kabar dengan "inner beauty" yang kata kebanyakan orang itulah hal terpenting yang menjadi daya tarik seseorang khususnya wanita? i never find it in my whole life, coz' i've being judged by most of people only from my outside looks.
It is absolutely hard to find someone who really can accept you with the way you are. EXCEPT GOD. I know God makes NO mistakes when God creates a human, but i am only a human. i have feelings. when people told me i'm "weird", making some funny jokes about me, laughing at them.....told me that i'm ugly like they are the most beautiful people in the universe.....now, imagine if they are in my position. i've struggled to hide that pains and covered them with laughter and jokes everyday. but as a human, my patience has limit and it's like a time-bomb for me...just you wait untill it explodes. i don't try to be a fake person, but all of people in this world wear an invisible "mask" in their life. the word "Apa adanya" it seems like a bullshit to me. se "apa adanya" seseorang bukan berarti gak ada hal-hal yang mereka tutupi dalam hidup mereka karena setiap orang punya privasi. kecuali di zaman sedang booming-boomingnya socmed sekarang-sekarang ini yang sedikit demi sedikit mulai melucuti privasi hampir setiap penggunanya, dan saya tidak mau terjebak dalam hal itu.
the reason why i write this is...i only want to tell everybody that i'm also a human and NOT a robot who doesn't have feelings and emotions. although i never show my anger directly, but it doesn't mean that i can not show it. it doesn't mean that i've never being angry for the rest of my life. i'm fed up, and if you hate me just ignore me like i never exist in this world, coz' it will be much better for me. mind your words everytime you talk to someone/ write it in your Social media's status (and i try so hard to do that too), karena kita ga pernah tau apa kata-kata kita bisa nyakitin seseorang atau engga sampai orang itu bisa aja berbuat sesuatu yang ga akan pernah kita bayangkan sebelumnya.
And for those who keep telling me that i am weird and ugly: Mungkin saya memang aneh, dan mungkin saya memang buruk rupa tapi saya gak pernah berusaha untuk menjadi orang lain dan tetap menjadi diri saya sendiri yang tidak suka mengikuti hal-hal mainstream seperti yang biasa dilakukan banyak orang. meskipun orang memandang saya as an "ugly duck", there are some things from myself that i'm still proud of......i'm good at sports, biarpun badan gue kurus kering..Alhamdulillah gw sehat dan jarang sakit-sakitan. gw sanggup ngangkat galon aqua biarpun cuma sebentar, gw sanggup main badminton berjam-jam lamanya. gw bangga sama kemampuan berbahasa inggris gw (meskipun belum sempurna, tapi ada sedikit perasaan bangga ketika temen-temen lo minta bantuan lo untuk mengartikan kalimat ataupun hanya satu/dua patah kata dalam bahasa inggris). gw bangga sama diri gw sendiri yang meskipun udah "sakit" berkali-kali dan selalu bisa bangkit lagi (meskipun kadang hal itu bertentangan sama pikiran gw sendiri dan terkesan gak masuk akal buat gue). Gw bangga sama diri gue sendiri yang at least punya keberanian cukup untuk berkata "Tidak" atas hal-hal yang tidak sesuai sama kata hati, dan jadi individu mandiri dimana gw gak harus selalu ketergantungan sama orang lain. mungkin terkesan arogan? i don't care, gue hanya mencoba menilai diri gue sendiri.
so, ketika satu jari anda dengan angkuhnya menunjuk tepat ke hadapan wajah seseorang, jangan pernah lupa satu hal bahwa TIGA jari anda yang lainnya menunjuk diri anda sendiri. sebelum berbicara lihatlah dulu diri anda sendiri, apakah anda lebih baik dari orang yang sedang anda bicarakan. (and i keep telling myself about this every-single-time.
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