Love and Hate

Heart beats fastColors and promisesHow to be braveHow can I love when I'm afraidTo fallBut watching you stand aloneAll of my doubtSuddenly goes away somehow
Time stands stillbeauty in all she isI will be braveI will not let anythingTake awayWhat's standing in front of meEvery breath,Every hour has come to this
-Christina Perri, A Thousand Years-
Seems like i'm in a mellow mood..i got this song from one of my friends, never thought that the lyrics of this song will stuck in my head even untill right now. One of the reasons why there's a song that will always stuck in your head forever is because the lyrics represent what happen to you or how do you feel  right?. So do i......two parts of this Christina Perri's song totally represent what i feel for almost two years. Yes...time flies really fast...i even don't realized that this feeling has been flowing for almost two years.

Most people say that "Crush" only last for about 4 months, then if it's last longer, it means that you're in love. Am i in love? i even don't know and i'm not ready yet to call it as "Love". i've already kept this feeling for about two years, but i even not sure if i'm in love or not. What is love? i even don't know what it is. All i know, it is a kind of a "Crazy" feeling that turns you into a crazy person. 
It is freakin crazy, i hate this feeling and i want to throw it away from my life. But, what happened is the opposite. This feeling is getting stronger day by day and i don't know when it's going to reach the limit. For about two years, i fight with myself to kill this feeling..but, it was like..there's a "Hulk" inside of me...why "Hulk"? if you've ever watched the avengers, Prof. Bruce Banner--Hulk's real identity--told the avengers that he has tried to kill himself by putting a gun inside his mouth and shot it into it, but the "Monster" inside him keeps spit it out, and that's what also happened to me. Every single day for these last two years, i try to make myself hate this person but it always failed. My friend keeps telling me that i shouldn't do that and just let it flows..."As the time goes by, you'll forget him", that's what she told me...but the truth is i keep forcing myself to do this because i can't handle this anymore...
I hate to get myself captures a picture of him inside my head every time i wake up every morning untill i wanna go sleep at night. I hate to know the fact that some people think that he's already belong to someone else but something inside yourself keeps telling you that it isn't something you should worry about. I hate to see everything about him suddenly appears around me everytime i tell myself that i want to erase him from my mind and even my life. I hate to remember the day when he suddenly popped up and leaves a mark for the rest of my life. I hate to have dreams about him several times and i can't stop thinking about it for the whole day. I hate the feeling when something inside me keeps telling me that i have to fight for this guy.....
HOWEVER, eventhough i hate all of this...........i keep doing this, and I don't know why. I even don't know why i should like this guy. Many girls think he's handsome but when i ask myself for a couple of times,he's not that handsome and it isn't the reason why i still have this feeling for almost two years...I don't know why i should have a feeling for this guy, we rarely talk but it seems like i've known him for so long...i even didn't know that he's ever existed. I even don't know why myself keeps telling that he's the one that you've been looking for...but, i'm not sure..these damn things are damn confusing to me. Maybe it's true...that there aren't any differences between Love and Hate. :/